If you tried to Google a solution to any parenting difficulty, I can guarantee you pages and pages of all different solutions. Everyone has an answer nowadays from spanking to ignoring, and from cry it out to carry them on your chest. You likely don’t need to know about the tried and true methods our parents used when we were little that included getting spanked, yelled at and sent to our rooms.
However, based on scientific research related to children’s brain development and what truly helps them become competent, empathetic, confident adults, there are a host of positive parenting strategies cropping up to help parents to do something different. All of these strategies, though each has a slightly different focus, has a single theme… being the person you want your children to become.
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The best part of this movement is that parents have the ability to stay calm in difficult situations, and learn how to master the skills in themselves that they are trying to teach their children, like controlling their anger and being able to put themselves in another person’s shoes. This movement as a whole involves patiently teaching rather than the old-fashioned screaming, threatening and yelling method. Let’s take a look at some of the strategies being used.
Proponents of Positive Parenting support teaching children positive behaviors through modeling and gentle guidance. Punishments are not used as this does not support children understanding the reasons behind proper behavior and choosing the right behaviors when on their own.
When children are given the opportunity to understand the good feelings and positive consequences that come with making good choices, they are naturally more motivated to be responsible in the future. Positive Parenting not only teaches children how to handle their emotions and test others with respect because of the respect they are given in the home, but it teaches responsibility in the family, community, and the world.
This method focuses on the connection between parent and child and making children equal members of the family. Rewards and punishments are not used as this would hinder the child’s natural desire towards responsibility and effort. Children already want to help and to please those in their lives, and they already want increased responsibilities every day when left to their own devices, as this meets their inner need to be loved, wanted and to be valuable.
By gently guiding children towards the right ways to behave through giving choices and talking them through their emotions, they are given the same respect due any member of the household, and they see what it means to be a part of the bigger picture. Gentle Parenting helps them to internalize good behavior for its own sake and not be influenced by other selfish motivators.
When you hear the phrase Attachment Parenting, you likely think of cosleeping, breastfeeding and babywearing, and you’re right! But it’s so much more than that. The focus in this area is for children to grow into well-balanced, independent adults that can create secure, trusting relationships with others (WebMD).
And it all begins with building a secure, nurturing bond between the mother and her baby. Those seeking to raise their children this way will typically have a homebirth or request immediate, uninterrupted skin to skin contact with their baby after birth, along with breastfeeding within the first hour. This would generally be followed with cosleeping, joint baths and babywearing; anything that keeps baby as close to mom as possible throughout the baby and toddler years.
The belief is that by giving children the experience of safe and trusting relationships as they begin life, they will know how to find, create and keep those same kind of relationships throughout childhood and adulthood. This includes handling communication and emotions at all ages with the utmost respect. Dr. Sears, the brain behind this method, considers all expressions of emotions, including repeated tantrums, as real efforts at communication that deserve our attention (Dr. Sears).
Natural Parenting
Although every one of these strategies supports the same basic parenting theory, each has its own specific focus. In this case, the focus is on brain development during the formative years. This method supports the idea that the way you treat your children, model behaviors for them and teach them to understand their worlds wires their brains in a specific way.
The idea is that surrounding children with patience, positivity and respect wires their brains to become empathetic, trusting adults with the ability to self-regulate stress (Raised Good). Babies need to be responded to promptly so that they learn to trust. They need to be given patience and understanding when handling big emotions so that they learn to give the same to others, and they need a good role model at home teaching good behaviors so they learn self-control and coping strategies.
When children’s needs are met promptly and they are given the opportunity to meet developmental milestones at their own pace and in their own time, both parent and children experience less stress, children’s brain are able to develop appropriately and homes are happier.
The idea behind Free Range Parenting is more independence for children to explore, play, and develop. There is a great deal of research supporting each of these areas and how important they are to a child’s growth and maturation.
Children left to their own devices and encouraged to play on their own are able to learn autonomy and responsibility, natural consequences, and how to cope with difficult situations, and they are able to develop their creativity and imagination in ways greater than they could with structured activities and play.
Dr. Spock wrote a book called “The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care” on this particular subject. He encourages kids to be allowed to ride their bikes with friends in the neighborhood and to wander freely. However this is with the expectation that parents are teaching their kids how to make responsible choices and good decisions at home, along with imparting other important knowledge they will need for this kind of independence.
Conscious Parents believe that everything about a child’s personality, intelligence, social aptitude, and even immune function can be affected by the way he or she experiences their very first relationships with their mom and dad. It’s well known that the strongest memories come from the moments of strongest emotion. The foundation of a child is built one memory at a time shaping the perspective, beliefs and self-concept of each one (Teach Through Love).
This method is really about not following the status quo in parenting. Everyone has an opinion or theory about how you should be parenting your kids. The belief is that parenting is a very personal decision and that parents should follow their hearts and truly listen to their instincts when it comes to parenting.
This one is almost self-explanatory. Natural consequences are essentially what happens naturally, good or bad, when you do something. If you don’t feed your fish, it will die. If you heat something in the microwave, it will be hot when you take it out. If you speak nicely to your mom, she is more likely to do what you want.
Just as adults have consequences for their behaviors, by allowing children to experience natural consequences, this prepares them for adult decision making while taking focus off of you as the parent. Kids don’t learn when they are feeling threatened (Parents). Natural consequences come on their own without your intervention. Therefore, you are no longer the bad guy doling out the punishment.
This method is all about play. The idea is that play is the language our children use to express and deal with big and small emotions. By spending time each day to join your children in their world of play, you strengthen your bond with them, increase their trust in you, and make them more likely to cooperate with you in the future.
This method also promotes making everything fun. You can easily turn a negative situation or potential negative into a positive by making your kids laugh, turning the situation into a joke, making a silly face or even using a silly voice (Hand in Hand Parenting). For instance, your child comes into the house with an angry look on their face, by making them laugh, you release the tension and make them want to sit down and talk about what happened with you. When they decide to fight you on something, like cleaning their room, you could offer to clean it yourself and put everything in silly places, ideally motivating them through laughter to pitch in and clean.
Ideally, when your children see that you’re willing to come into their world with them, you encourage cooperation, positivity and laughter, and you reduce the stress in your relationship, making parenting overall more enjoyable.
Conclusion
All of these strategies go hand in hand and all of the names are interchangeable. Some of the basic premises that tie them altogether though are connection, self-regulation, the parent modeling good behaviors, emotional intelligence, reasonable expectations, what’s best for child rather than parent, focused attention on child, balance (knowing when to say no and yes, taking care of yourself), etc.
Honestly, this is not permissive parenting, spoiling, or any of the other words that may come to mind. I want to make it very clear that there are firm boundaries, solid routines, and strict limits on behavior within every strategy. What’s truly different about Positive Parenting as a whole next to other parenting strategies, is the way each situation that arises is handled, with calm patience and direction, rather than raised emotions.
Get your free JPG checklist here!
Just for SUBSCRIBING to my Parenting blog, you'll get this free Positive Parenting Strategies Checklist.
Success! Now check your email to confirm your subscription and get your free checklist.
You may be suspicious at this point or maybe you’re even curious. Either way, check out my blog on Positive Parenting Myths such as this for more information. In it I’ll give more tips for handling inappropriate behaviors you may encounter with your kids or those in your care using the various strategies above.
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