Positive Parenting Myths
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In my previous article on Positive Parenting Strategies, I described the different variations of positive parenting, some being gentle parenting, conscious parenting, attachment parenting and so on, and what they consisted of. Positive Parenting could be considered a new trend, a new way of thinking about parenting, that takes into consideration the bond between the parent and the child, teaching rather than punishing and being respectful to children, being a good example in their lives of how to treat others.
In fact, this “new way of parenting” is one of the oldest ways of caring for babies. In fact, it’s the way that parents for centuries have taken care of babies, until childcare advisors came on the scene and led parents to follow books instead of their babies (Dr. Sears). There has also been a great deal of research done in the areas of child psychology and neurology that brings us back to positive parenting being the way that children respond and learn best.
However there is still a large amount of criticism as people misunderstand the theory of teaching rather than punishing, because the harsh way of treating children has been the norm in parenting for so long. In this article I want to address the major positive parenting myths to dispel some of your possible questions. I highly suggest going back and reading my article on Positive Parenting Strategies.
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Many people believe that Positive Parenting is….
Helicopter Parenting
Helicopter parenting is typically defined as parenting is which you hover over your children not letting them do anything, touch anything, take any risks at all or talk to anyone in an effort to protect them.
However, positive parenting has nothing to do with trying to protect them from the bad things that happen in life. This style of parenting is about respect and relationship, and instructing our children lovingly in how to be successful in life.
“We all need relationships to survive and our children especially need us to learn how to navigate in this world.” (Consciouslyparenting.com) When our children act out, defy us or show big displays of emotion, the positive parenting method simply asks us to realize that our children are upset, to acknowledge the way they are feeling, and help them to return to a state of calm so we can walk them through the scenario again and instruct them.
Permissive Parenting
Permissive parenting is never saying no to your children, trying not to provoke tantrums or crying, and always giving them what they want to appease them. This type of parenting though, totally defeats the purpose of positive parenting altogether. (Theconversation.com)
The idea is to just handle misbehavior differently. Instead of screaming, yelling, punishing or getting angry, a parent using this method would stay calm, and address the situation with the child, attempting to guide the child to the right behaviors through love and an understanding on the part of the child.
For instance, if we throw our toys they break and we don’t get to enjoy the toy anymore. There’s nothing wrong with the child or their feelings, but the behavior itself cannot be allowed. A permissive parent wouldn’t address the situation at all and would never try to change the behavior.
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Spoiling Your Child
Traditional parenting methods use the withdrawal of love and attention, timeouts, banishment and humiliation, and leaving kids alone to manage their tangled up emotions, which erodes rather than strengthening your relationship with your child. (www.ahaparenting.com)
The goal of the positive parenting method is to validate the feelings and needs of our children, and to help them to learn how to properly express strong feelings and communicate needs. Ideally, we all want our children to be respectful, well rounded people. This parenting method just guides children respectfully to that end, helping them internalize lessons and do what’s right for the right reasons.
Creating Over Dependence on the Parent
“Attachment parenting is based on the idea that babies learn to trust and thrive when their needs are consistently met by a caregiver early in life. Children who never experience this secure attachment early in life, according to proponents, don’t learn to form healthy attachments later in life. They suffer from insecurity, lack of empathy, and, in extreme cases, anger and attachment disorders.” (WebMD)
Contrary to popular belief, providing children with secure, trusting relationships from birth, where they feel loved, understood and know their needs will be met, creates secure, independent, empathetic children that are more comfortable with their emotions and the world around them. They are more likely to freely explore their environments, express creativity and imagination, take more risks and be more successful in life.
The consistently low levels of stress in their lives also typically allows them higher IQs and makes them more resilient. Rather than constantly being in fight or flight mode, their brains are able to tackle bigger things like how things work and why things are the way they are. Problem solving abilities are higher, and they are less likely to be sick. (Learned from my doctoral studies)
Being Manipulated by Your Kids
Responding sensitively to your baby’s cries builds trust and babies need to know that their caregivers will be responsive to their needs. From the most tender of ages, your child knows only that they cannot care for themselves, and the only way that they can get their needs met is by crying. They can’t exactly ask politely for a sandwich as an infant.
As they grow and develop, they will continue to have needs and it’s likely that they still cannot take care of themselves. Toddlers still cannot change their own diapers, make their own food without something being provided for them, wash their clothes, bathe themselves, or any number of other things we need to stay healthy and happy. They have to rely on those that care for them.
There is no difference in their feelings and behaviors. Children do not know and understand social norms, proper societal behaviors for success, your house rules, or even your preferences when they are born. Adults are put into their lives to teach them these things as they grow and mature emotionally and mentally. In fact, most adults don’t seem to know social graces and behaviors for success. Children only learn manipulation if they are taught it.
Neglectful Parenting
Many believe that not spanking, using timeouts, yelling at or punishing children is neglecting them. The belief is that they are not being taught proper respect, but the opposite is actually true. Positive parenting tries to teach children through example and through helping them to understand that behaviors have natural consequences. For example, if you eat the whole box of crackers, you won’t have more until you go to the store next.
By allowing children to experience the pleasant or unpleasant consequence of their behavior, parents and caregivers help children learn what happens because of the behavior choices they made (www.extension.umn.edu) rather than experience something inflicted by their parents.
In their criticism, others are commenting on the freedom children have in the free range aspect of positive parenting, where children are given the freedom to explore their environments on their own without parental supervision at all times. “It isn’t neglectful to let well cared for children walk to school alone, ride their bike or sit in the car alone if they’re mature enough to handle it.” (Timeinc.net)
As discussed earlier, when children are provided a safe, secure, loving environment where they know they are cared for, they tend to be more independent and make better choices. Therefore, parents using the positive parenting method usually allow their children more freedom in their exploration and self care. You’ll see these children making their own snacks from the refrigerator, doing chores around the house, walking to school or the neighbors alone, etc.
Sanctimonious
Finally, there has been some backlash from this parenting method as some feel like these parents are sanctimonious, or making a show of being morally superior to other people. One aspect of positive parenting is that these parents are not following the readily accepted strategies for parenting, and that upsets many people.
You may also see these parents homeschooling, using homeopathic methods for solving illness, breastfeeding, cosleeping, or making other similar choices for their kids. Although I can’t speak for everyone, most of these parents are only trying to make the best decisions for their children, just like most other parents in the world. The unfair judgement simply lies with those criticizing.
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Its easy for people to judge something that they don’t understand. There is so much information available on different parenting styles, that to thoroughly understand the intentions behind each one is impossible. And it’s even harder when you’re trying to implement one for others to understand, because you may not fully understand yourself.
Essentially we are a world that criticizes others before trying to improve ourselves. It’s important to be encouraging to all parents in the choices they make, as ultimately, all you can do is what you think is best for your own kids. Parenting is hard and the right methods to employ in each moment are never as clear cut as you would like, as only a passerby can understand.
I’m not saying that positive parenting is the right method for you and your family, but I hope that for those seeking understanding, this helps. Check out my other article Positive Parenting Strategies and be on the lookout for my new product, The Positive Parenting Strategies box! It will literally be a recipe box full of strategies to use in a variety of different situations you may encounter. Exciting stuff!
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