Teaching Your Child to Share with Others

Oh man! If you’ve ever had a 2 to 4 year old, you definitely understand the sharing dilemma. Kids around this age are learning about the world around them, learning about themselves, and learning how things work. This includes friendships, ownership, and social skills. They need guidance from us to know how to navigate difficulties and understand the warring feelings inside of them.

 But honestly sharing is hard. Consider your own life and some of the situations you encounter. Just yesterday, we saw someone finally show up to the vacant house next door and start mowing the grass in the backyard. It was obvious that they needed some help, and more obvious that they needed a weed wacker. It just so happens that we have one. But when I suggested that my husband offer it to them, he replied in the negative.

We are adults. If we have trouble sharing our belongings, even to someone that we could see could benefit from it, how much harder can it be for little ones? The weed eater wasn’t being used at the moment and it would have significantly improved the experience of the individuals next door. My husband knows full well that he would get it back and could even fix it if something happened. Our toddler on the other hand does not.

We had another experience with sharing yesterday when we were at the playground. My riskier insisted on taking all 5 million of his construction trucks with us in hopes that “friends” would bff there and would want to play with him. However, when friends did arrive and wanted to play with even one of the trucks, he freaked.

What was going through his mind?! Her was scared that they were going to take them away and he’d never see the trucks again. In order to understand and assist, we have to understand where our little ones are coming from. Let’s walk through the process together.

When something like this happens, the very first thing to do is to calm. Calm ourselves and calm our child. Hold them in your arms and listen. Sometimes all of their feelings bombard them at once and they handle things rashly. I’m so glad adults don’t do this same thing….

Taking the time to stop, breathe and collect yourselves will help the situation become clearer. It may take a little bit of time, especially if they are angry or crying. As long as no one has been hurt, you can simply sit there for a minute and be there in the midst of their storm. (If someone has been hurt, they should be attended to first.)

Sometimes all it takes is a safe, loving shoulder to cry on to come back down and gain control. Once calm, then it’s time to talk.

Next, validate your child’s feelings. This simply means to make sure that they know you hear them and that you understand.

“I can see that you’re really upset about Tommy playing with your truck. It’s hard for you to share your toys sometimes.”

If you’re listening they’re likely to expand on how they feel and what they want. Maybe you’ll find out something you didn’t know previously about the situation that may motivate you to handle it differently. Honestly, you’ll probably just hear that they are scared; scared that the other person will break it, scared that the other person will take it home, or even scared that they won’t get to play with it again.

Just try to repeat back what you hear them saying and keep all other opinions to yourself for the moment. “I hear you saying that….”

When your child has been heard and everyone is calm, now is the time to explain. Maybe you could start with “Now what are we going to do?”

“When you grabbed the truck, it upset Tommy. Can you see him crying? He wasn’t finished playing with it.”

“Tommy, would you like to continue playing with the truck or is it okay if Elliot plays with it now?”

“It looks like Tommy would like to finish playing with it. Elliot, would you like to hand it back or would you like me to help you?”

“Here. I will help you give it back. I know you really want a turn. Maybe we can all play with it together, or we can play with THIS truck until Tommy is done.”

The idea is to encourage respect for the other child and empathy for how it must feel on the other end. Your child will struggle with grasping the concept of empathy for a few more years, but a good example will bring about an understanding sooner.

Stay there and support your child in being patient while playing with the other toys. Patience is another really hard one for kids. This will take some distraction and excitement for some of the other toys from you. They may not be too happy about the situation but keep your hopes up.

Make sure to compliment them on being patient knowing how hard it is to wait for things that they want. Making sharing a positive thing, and telling them how proud you are of them during this exchange will give them positive feelings about sharing, and will create better feelings surrounding sharing next time.

If your child refuses to be respectful, it simply might be a good time to walk away from the subject at hand and explore another area for a bit. If you are at the playground, maybe you could go swing or go down the slide, or even go get a drink of water for a bit.

Getting angry and trying to force your child to share will only lead to a power struggle between the two of you and even more angry feelings for you both. You definitely don’t want sharing with others to be a negative experience, as this will only make the action of sharing that much harder next time.

Try to set your child up for success ahead of time for the next sharing opportunity. Talk about how to treat friends and you could even do some role playing with him before the playdate or visit to the playground. Make it fun. Then when the situation arises, you can smile and remind them of your game just before the playdate.

Our children watch us and our actions to know how to respond in their own situations. Make sure that you are not only sharing with them and giving them plenty of opportunities to share with you at home, but that they get to see you share your belongings with others.

A little generosity, empathy, and patience modeled for them at home will go a long way in their own interactions. However, just sharing and modeling may not be enough. Children sometimes need a little verbal help to understand what they see. Don’t be afraid to talk through what you are doing, thinking and feeling as you share at home.

“It really looks like the neighbor needs a weed eater over there. See how they can’t get all the grass with their lawn mower. Hey! We have one that we could share with them! What do you think?”

Seeing your excitement and willingness to share will motivate them to be more generous, and hearing your thought pattern will help them walk through their own. You could even help them there.

“Oh look! Some friends are coming that can play trucks with you!”

I’m a big proponent of not making your children share objects that are really valuable to them. If I know that his new truck is really special to him, we’ll put it up high or out of sight until the playing is over. I know that there are things that are really special to me that I don’t want to share, so if he requests to put something away when others come over, I support him.

If your child knows that you are going to respect his ownership of something he doesn’t want to share, he’ll be more likely to share other things. Talk to her before a playdate to decide what toys she will share with others and which ones should be put away until everyone leaves. This way she’ll be more comfortable knowing the items she really cares about are safe.

From personal experience with my son, I know it sucks when people come over and break your beloved toys. My little one has been a little gun shy about his toys after a few really bad incidents with violent kids and/or curious kids.

I’m not going to tell you that I handled the situation at the playground correctly, even though I know how it should have been handled. I’m an emotional being as well that lets her feelings overwhelm her sometimes. Honestly, I was embarrassed in front of the other mom, disappointed in my usually generous child, and upset that he had made this big deal about coming to the park, and even had me lug all of his toys there, just to hog them all when friends finally showed up to play.

My husband is the one who actually handled it correctly later. We all have our off days, right? When emotions are high and you’re right in the middle of the situation, it’s difficult to calm down, focus on what’s important, and remember how to handle the situation with respect. But isn’t this exactly what we are asking our kids to be able to do?

It takes practice, consistency, patience, and time. Just remember to give yourself the same consideration.