The Art of Forgiveness

Each and every one of us have past incidents that we probably think of often where someone hurt us or made us angry. It is inevitable as human beings that we will hurt others and be hurt by them. It is even said that those we care about the most are able to hurt us worse than any stranger could. Sometimes those past hurts follow us throughout our lives and even shape the way we make decisions, act in daily situations, treat others, and see the world.

Most individuals do not consider the whys behind their daily thoughts, words and actions. However as strong emotions are the most memorable, it’s likely that every thought, word and action is triggered by an experience from your past. There is so much psychology that I could get into explaining how even your current health and self-perception is created from your childhood experiences. But I won’t. The bottom line is, the way to improve in all of these areas and move forward is a little thing called the art of forgiveness.

Don’t let me lose you here…

I know personally that I have had a lot of hate and anger following me around for most of my life. I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone, no one was ever going to love or accept me and no matter how hard I worked at anything, I would never be good enough and would never achieve my goals. I never thought to question my outlook for the better part of 30 years until my husband and I struggled after losing our second son and sought counseling. Boy did I learn a great deal about myself, and I truly learned the power of forgiveness.

Stick with me and I’ll share the rest of the story and the peace you can find.

What is the True Definition of Forgiveness?

According to the American Psychological Association, forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which an individual undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding something or someone that has hurt them. This generally means letting go of negative emotions and giving up on the responsibility to punish of the offender, however legally or morally justified it might be. It also means having the ability to wish the offender well. I know this sounds impossible and even crazy, but trust me, this is for you and your well-being, not the other person.

Forgiveness is different from condoning the action, excusing it, forgetting it, or pardoning it. Forgiveness is simply letting go of the pain that it is causing you and possibly reconciling with the other person, if the situation allows for it. In certain contexts, forgiveness is a legal term for absolving or giving up all claims on account of debt, loan, obligation, or other claims. Forgiveness is granted without any expectation of justice, and without any response required on the part of the offender. The act of forgiveness is for you, to give you a peace of mind, not for the other person.

Why is It So Important to Forgive?

Most of us assume that if we forgive our offenders, they are let off the hook — scot-free — and get to go about their merry ways while we unfairly suffer from their actions. We also may think that we have to be friendly with them again, or go back to the old relationship. While God commands us to forgive others, he never told us to keep trusting those who violated our trust or even to like being around those who hurt us.

Have you ever heard it said that whoever can upset you or make you angry has control over you? That person (or people) that hurt you 10 years ago, or maybe even yesterday, acted rashly for one reason or another, and then likely went on their merry way and never thought about the incident again. They may have been having a bad day or may even have just been hurt badly themselves and acted out of personal pain. However in all likelihood haven’t thought twice about what they did or said. While you are carrying around that pain for hours, days, weeks, months, or even years allowing it to hurt you again and again.

That stress, allowed to fester, has been coloring your every interaction with others and towards yourself. You have had this pain when talking to loved ones, caring for your children, hanging out with friends, and dealing with strangers. How many times have you spoken from a place of pain yourself and unknowingly hurt someone else? How hard have you been on yourself because of something that was said to you that cut to the core? And what is that stress doing to your body?

Do you really want to carry that around with you? Here are just a few of the ways carrying that stress through your everyday life could be hurting you:

MayoClinic 2018

How Do I Make the Pain Stop?

 The first step is figuring out how to make it stop.

You may have been hurt momentarily by someone else, but only you can control how long you allow that person to hurt you. Maybe you are in a relationship with someone that is hurting you on a regular basis, maybe it’s a parent, a sister, a brother, an aunt or a grandparent. Obviously if it’s a stranger, it’s easier to block them from Facebook, leave the class, or avoid that route to the park and keep from getting hurt again. But what if it’s a family member?

There’s no law that says you have to continue allowing anyone to hurt you, no matter who they are. No one has the right to hurt you, even if they are family. No one has a right to your life if they can’t treat you with respect. Just like you can block someone from Facebook, you can also block family from continuing to hurt you to, it’s called setting boundaries. For more information on this topic, check out this great article on Setting and Keeping Your Personal Boundaries.

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Most of the time the reoccurring pain is not coming from someone else. You have left the coffee shop where someone called you a name, you are no longer in that 3rd grade class where the teacher belittled you, and you are no longer in that destructive relationship, but you still relive the pain again and again. You have let the pain drive you to be a really negative person, you get headaches all the time and you have bad habits that you can’t seem to break. This is where forgiveness steps in to heal you and break the bad cycles in your life.

By letting truly go of the pain and moving forward, you can have a new future.

How Do You Truly Forgive Someone?

Forgiveness starts with the mental decision to forgive and let it go. When you have decided that you’ve had enough and are ready to move past it, that’s when it begins. The emotional part of forgiveness is finally being able to let go of the resentment.

Emotional healing may or may not follow quickly after we forgive. But know that forgiveness is a process, not an event. It might take some time to work through our emotional problems before we can truly forgive. As soon as we can, we should decide to forgive, but it probably is not going to happen right after a tragic divorce. That’s okay.

Forgiveness is not based on others’ actions but on our attitude. People will continue to hurt us through life, and honestly the people that hurt you may never change their actions. Obviously something is or has gone wrong in their lives for them to treat others that way. That is something they have to work through on their own. The only thing we can control is our own reaction. We either can look forward in life and move on, or we can stay stuck and angry and allow the hurt to keep us burdened.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It’s normal for memories to be triggered in the future. When thoughts of past hurts occur, it’s what we do with them that counts. When we find ourselves focusing on a past offense, we can learn to forgive again and again, choosing not to let it affect you, until it disappears altogether, or no longer has a hold on you.

How Do I Forgive and Let Go?

Forgiveness is truly letting go of the need to somehow punish that person, or all people who treat you that way. It’s acknowledging that you have no idea what is going on in their lives and choosing to live based on the positive truths that you know to be valid in your life. You are valuable, you are needed, you are worthy of love and acceptance. What else do you need to hear in your life? That’s what you should keep telling yourself.

Forgiveness is the choice to no longer be angry, no matter how bad it hurt. And if it’s someone you care about, it may mean talking to that person about how much they hurt you, or even setting some boundaries if it’s a repeat offender.

We had to tell my parents that if they wanted to come see their grandchildren, they had to be positive, keep their criticisms to themselves and focus their attention on spending time with the kids. These boundaries keep having to be repeated for understanding. We are not budging on how we expect to be treated in our own homes. This doesn’t mean that I haven’t worked hard, and continue to work, to forgive them. It just means that I won’t allow the hurting to continue.

Forgiveness is no longer giving the fear and anger control in your life. You are the master of your destiny and you are the only one that can change your reality. There is freedom in forgiveness.

The Hiding Place

In her book The Hiding Place, Corrie Ten Boom describes the most extreme abuses imaginable perpetrated on her and the other inmates of a Nazi concentration camp during World War II. One night, some time after the war was over, she was approached by a man she recognized as one of her former guards, a particularly cruel one. He now reflected a semblance of humanity and smiled brightly. Looking Corrie in the eye, he held out his hand and asked for her forgiveness for his actions. He had changed and was truly remorseful.

She said that, in the moment she shook his hand, “something miraculous happened. A current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me.” It’s a beautiful story of forgiveness and what can happen when you learn to forgive. Your offenders may never ask for your forgiveness, but either way, you can experience the freedom she describes in her book yourself.

The Freedom in Forgiveness

If you’re like many people, you may want to be free of past offenses, but you still carry bitter memories of or hard feelings toward those who have wronged you. Take comfort: Forgiving even the worst offenses against you is not impossible. You can find freedom from the past and peace that comes from learning to really forgive from the heart.

It’s our choice — an act of our will — that sets us free from burdens of the past. Imagine a life free from the anger that torments you from the past. You no longer have to be angry at your parents for misdeeds from your childhood, you no longer have to be hurt from your best friend choosing to befriend someone else in 1st grade, you no longer have to claim what your first boyfriend said about you, etc. You can be free from questioning your worth, future relationships, and business endeavors.

You can be free. A large degree of your happiness depends on it. Your relational progression is essential to it. Your health is even dependent on it. Give yourself the greatest gift you possibly can and start the process of letting it all go.

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